White as Cotton & Red as Blood ….

I hate hospitals. The smell just makes me feel nervous.It is a recent problem I encountered during my visit back home. I was sitting at my bed earlier looking at the time ticking away until it was lunch. My tummy felt funny, like little butterflies that were beating the shit outta each other. I felt almost sick. My mate was over the road in the hospital having set off to operation room and i said that i would pop over to see her.(was collecting courage)

I went outside and hopped over the road only to feel my heart go all funny.

I started to panic. This was silly! I was only going over to see her. My legs felt all funny and i stopped. Right in the middle of the road on one of those triangles. My breathe, in and out so quickly making my mouth dry.I still wonder why this happens to me whenever I think of visiting a hospital.

I heard my name.
Was it in my head?
Was i trying to wake myself up and get out of the fear?.
It was my friend’s hubby.
He waved..
I walked…
One step at a time right!

Recently i have been having some small panic attacks.Happens when I see blood stains,inspite of red being my favourite color.They usually only last a few seconds but they are so scary. A few years ago i used to be on blockers to help my panic attacks as they were really bad. I used to wake up in the middle of the night with my heart going crazy, with palpitations and a strong sence of fear. I was surely at my calmest time sleeping but no. Panic attacks happen when you least expect them.

I hope that my weak side is going to see them off from coming back strong again. I really cant take more years of going through that again. Not wanting to go out incase it happened and people stare at me. Looking over my shoulder constantly for signs and not putting myself in stressful situations. Because lets face it, the world is a stressful place.