No Conclusion....

I apologise in advance that this is a little up in the air…

Aside from being one of four children in my family, i was always one of those child that seems to be alone. Preferring to have one close friend rather than a whole group, i tended to distance myself a little from the gangs of boys and girls.

In primary school i was bullied, little more than ‘we don’t want to play with you ’ or similar, it was hardly harrowing but at the time seemed all important.

My Mum suggested taking a small book into school with me. One that would fit in my blazer pocket and at break time when i was excluded by the other kids, i could sit and read my book. Perhaps she no longer understood the unspoken playground ettiquet that would mean that this marked me out for even further taunts but it always stuck with me.

Far from helping though, this tended to make me sad. Sitting there quietly watching all the others having fun, i was filled with sadness and a longing to have a good friend.

Maybe this is why i draw into myself when i’m having a tough time. Rather than seeking out and talking to people about it, or surrounding myself with friends, i will retreat into my world, effectively sitting in a quiet corner, alone with my little book.

Love and Bravery.....

My parents do everything they can to make us happy, including taking us out for diner, repair our flat at regular intervals (”Dad, what does this noise mean?”) and ask to cook my favourite food. In short I am an adored daughter.In few days my younger one will be one for them.She going back for good :( leaving me alone.

But as well as taking on practical tasks, they take on my worries and pains. They wince every time I wince with my back. They worry more than me about my career, lack of husband and so on.Sometime say so much,m pissed and sometimes dont say a word that annoys me too :D

And it got me to thinking - being a parent(wish i was), as well as being inordinately hard work, is also extremely brave. I am a bit of a commitment probe, partly through fear of losing someone close to me. Ignoring the good men and falling for the bad boys who’ll never really get close to me is a sort of insurance policy against pain.

But with parenting, you can’t take out an insurance policy. Parents feel our pain forever. And want to protect us. Even trying for a child, when you might lose it, strikes me as pretty damn brave.

So I am going to try to copy their example and be braver. Not to think about the consequences as much. Not to dismiss suitable people just because it might not work out and I might get my heart broken.

Flowers And Romance*

Is good, old fashioned romance dead?

How long has it been since you recieved a bunch of flowers for no reason? Or indeed bought some for your loved one?

A box of chocolates?

An unexpected call just to say ‘thinking of you’?

Just bothering to turn up on time?

Gentlemen - do you pick your date up? Do you at least offer to pay for the meal? See her safely home?

Ladies - do you make an effort? Do you put on your nicest outfit and do your hair?

In a time where it’s a novelty even to have a door held open for you, or a seat offered on the train, is it any wonder that the tiny lovely intricasies of romance are disappearing?

Wouldn’t it be nice to go for a moonlight stroll along a beach Or to go dancing, so close Or just to be swept off your feet and taken out somewhere surprising and wined and dined.

Or am i just old fashioned?

* i will just add that this isn’t a reflection on my own relationship!

Reality Bites ;) !!!!!!!!

I have realised that blogging at times has been a way to forget the things going on in my life that i would rather forget.Rather than whinging and going on about some of those things. I pretend that everything is ok and come onto my blog, go to write and wibble on about something that makes me happy. Something - however small and silly it maybe- that helps me forget.And for those many minutes that i am writing and chatting. I know that actually everything is alright.

Sometimes i will chat about friends or food, or even think about minor things that are going on.

I sometimes wonder if you can see past the face i display on here and really know what is going on in my life. Really understand that actually this is such a small part of my life and i am a living and breathing person with hopes and fears and problems of my own that i hide even from my family.

Yesterday i spoke to my Friend. I hadnt spoken to her for 3 months. For a ‘close’ friends that is like 5 years. The fact of the matter is i havent spoken to many people in a very long time. Infact i havent spoken to anyone i am close to in a very very long time.Its not that i dont love them. Its I just havent been in a place i am able to do so. I have been selfish and taken time out for myself - for once.

I didnt think about the consequences. I didnt think about whether anyone would talk to me again. It was a decision that was taken out of my hands. I had to take time out. Time out for me. To sort myself out. And i hoped that my family and friends would understand.

As it happens, my friend did understand and she gave me the time i needed to sort myself out.And surprise surprise i even get calls from my Dad, saying if everything was alright. It wasnt but i didnt tell him that.

So i wonder - I wonder if friends, you know the people you confide in and talk to about almost everything will do the same.Realise that actually you have been a bit out of character but understand that you needed time to sort some things out. Whether they understand or not. Because lets face it - we dont always understand our friends problems right!. We havent all done the same things and experienced the same things have we? Where would the fun be in that?. Nothing to support or listen too other than the same things.

Anyway. I realised that i lost a friend along the way. She wasnt willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. She didnt wait to find out or understand. She didnt seem to care that i have had ‘issues’ that i needed to sort out or was stressed. That i pushed away everyone who knew me. Instead she decided to slag me off.

What else can i say?

I know you will be reading this thinking that maybe she is a bitch. Believe me i have thought the same. I have felt betrayed and disappointed. But it has got me no where.

Instead i have decided to forgive her. I am not responsible for how she behaves and i can not influence her decisions to be hard on me when she didnt understand. I can however forgive and move on.

I am not writing her and email or phoning or even dropping her a text. She knows who she is and i am sure she is reading this blog- as exciting as it is!.

So i just want you to know how i feel.I am not expecting you to stop slagging me off in your blog and i am not expecting you to not hold a grudge as i know you and know that you hold them for a very long time. I cant alter how you think or what you do. Only my own peace of mind.

It was never how you thought.

White as Cotton & Red as Blood ….

I hate hospitals. The smell just makes me feel nervous.It is a recent problem I encountered during my visit back home. I was sitting at my bed earlier looking at the time ticking away until it was lunch. My tummy felt funny, like little butterflies that were beating the shit outta each other. I felt almost sick. My mate was over the road in the hospital having set off to operation room and i said that i would pop over to see her.(was collecting courage)

I went outside and hopped over the road only to feel my heart go all funny.

I started to panic. This was silly! I was only going over to see her. My legs felt all funny and i stopped. Right in the middle of the road on one of those triangles. My breathe, in and out so quickly making my mouth dry.I still wonder why this happens to me whenever I think of visiting a hospital.

I heard my name.
Was it in my head?
Was i trying to wake myself up and get out of the fear?.
It was my friend’s hubby.
He waved..
I walked…
One step at a time right!

Recently i have been having some small panic attacks.Happens when I see blood stains,inspite of red being my favourite color.They usually only last a few seconds but they are so scary. A few years ago i used to be on blockers to help my panic attacks as they were really bad. I used to wake up in the middle of the night with my heart going crazy, with palpitations and a strong sence of fear. I was surely at my calmest time sleeping but no. Panic attacks happen when you least expect them.

I hope that my weak side is going to see them off from coming back strong again. I really cant take more years of going through that again. Not wanting to go out incase it happened and people stare at me. Looking over my shoulder constantly for signs and not putting myself in stressful situations. Because lets face it, the world is a stressful place.

Ooooooooooooohhhhh that's annoying!!!!!

We all have our annoying habits. Perhaps to those who really love us, they are endearing. I rather hope so. Nevertheless, I’m astonished that at the time, none of these habits (each from different blokes, you may be glad to hear) wound me up.

Eating with mouth open.
Wiping the side in the kitchen every five minutes.
Dancing with mouth open.
Picking ones feet in front of the telly and leaving the bits on the coffee table.

I can only deduce that it must have been love. Especially given how intolerant I am.

Despite some of my initial misgivings about being surrounded by loved-upness when I am decidedly not, Of course I am delighted for my friend who’s found her Mr Right, but at my age (fast approaching 29), being a single girl at these things can be, well, tough.

But this friend lifted my spirits by telling me stories of dreadful things that her boyfriend had done when drunk. Awards go to:

The man who went to bed with a kebab in hand. The girlfriend woke up covered in it. She was a vegetarian.
The man who wet the bed. Twice.
The man who got out of the bed and then weed against the wall, all over her clothes.

Hurrah for being single!

But of course now I no longer have the rose-tinted spectacles of love, I have noticed these astonishingly annoying habits. Hanging out with friends who are exes certainly gives you a new perspective on things. And in some cases, can make you feel just a teensy-weensy bit smug.

Or is it just me?

Dangerous Thoughts.....

I think way too much. I over analyse, read into things and come to wildly inaccurate assumptions most of the time.

I take the smallest hint of something and dig right into it, thinking of the worst possible scenarios and outcomes.

This of course gets me into trouble sometimes. Often i have taken a word or action slightly out of context and managed to work myself into such a worry about it, that it is no longer a small molehill but a completey unscalable mountain that can’t possibly be overcome.

Then begins the questioning. Invariably it will have something to do with me of the time. As ludicrous as a shorter text message than usual, i will read into it that he/she no longer interested or that something awful is going on. ‘Are things ok?’ and ‘Have i done something wrong?’ or maybe ‘Don’t you like me anymore?’

Of course, there was nothing wrong apart from them being in a rush, or tired and overworked. But my niggling and digging does nothing to help the situation and often turns my imaginings into a row that needn’t have been had.

I’m far too emoitional and fragile in my belief of things and this is often how it is represented.

Where there was in fact no problem, there now lies a small gulf that becomes bigger with my runaway thoughts.

Beauty or the Beast!!!!!!

Don’t get me wrong here.. i’m all for a good looking man or lady, and i know that it’s looks that catches the eye. But a lot of us will say ‘It’s what is on the inside that counts’ and yes… of course it is, but how many of us really really take that on board? How many people reject someone as a potential partner just becasue of the way they look?

Isn’t it a bit contradictory to harp on about how it’s all about the personality and how much you have in common and then turn around and say’ but he/she isn’t really my type’.

I have a type, i know i do. Tall, dark haired, good built and a nice pair of eyes. But i’d like to think that i don’t immediately say ‘no thanks’ just becasue someone doesn’t look like an adonis.

For example, i know a lady….. very intelligent,ambitious,well read, interesting, kind and would probably be the most adoring girlfriend or a good wife you could imagine (if you’re reading and have worked out it’s you, then please take this as it is meant) and she has a terrible time with men. She finds it hard to approach them because she’s been knocked back before… becasue she doesn’t think that much of herself because of the way she looks.

Now where in the hell is the justice in that? With all these guys out there putting up with complete ar*%h*&es who don’t treat them half as well as they deserve, and there is this lady who should be treated like a Princess…. but she doesn’t get a look in, because like it or not, it is on some level all about looks.

That pisses me off that does. So i just had to say something.

FeW thinGs whicH i reaLLy think oF anD wanNa implement :(

I dont know when they will b fulfilled....buh in my want list....

Reduce the amount of shopping I do.
I have started having a compulsive disorder – shopping every weekend, shopping for things I don’t need and piling them up. I need to reduce that.

Stop making friends online.
I have always thought of not talking(chatting) to strangers.... tyring to do it...its not tat i dint find real gud friends...yea i have some real gem..whom i havent met and i trust would be my friends for lifetime...

Want to adopt a baby gal.
I wish i could do it now as am leaving on my own..buh wanna bulid up a gud bank balance than will surely go for it. :)

I want to sponsor at least one child’s education.
I have already put this in one of my want. After going through lots and lots of sites I have finalized on one which I think will work for me. I have had emails exchanged, something might work out in the next 2 months.

Last buh not the least :)

Want to donate my (sexy)eyes.
Have seen lots of bad and good things..wish to utilize my eyes for somebody who is really in need...like a kid or young lady who havent seen colors.This wont take too long.......few more years. :)

Wah aRe yu rEaDinG ????

A nosey little female sitting next to me on the company bus was peeping into the book i was reading, trying to read the title.She couldn't.

Finally she says to me,’ What are you reading ?
' Me: 'A book'.
She: 'Oh, yes of course, but may i know the name?'. No you may not. Me: 'Oh it's 'How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got A Life'
She made a face like i was reading a porn magazine. Excuse me???

The next week, again she was sitting next to me, 'What are you reading?' Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhh.
Me :'Not without my daughter'.
She :'Oh, what's it about?'.
Me :' Well it's about a woman who was forcibly kept in Iran by her husband and his relatives'. Or was it Iraq ?
She : 'Ohhhhhhh'.

The next week, She :'Oh, you are reading 'Anne Frank'.
You like to read about tortured and oppressed people.'
What kind of a question is that? I am running out of patience with her.

I dislike people who try to judge others on the kind of books they read.
I may not like Shakespeare, reason being that i don't understand him, though i love his stories.
I may not like to read self-help or motivational books.
Did i say anything to you when you were reading,' How to make yourself happy’? NO.
Each to his own.

I may read whatever i want to lady and you are nobody to judge me.
You better get that.
I am reading 'Fishbowl' currently, some obscure book i picked up on impulse recently.
I am sure she will ask me,’ What are you reading? What is it about?'
Oh, it's about 2 fish living in a bowl. Eww... Sidy i know.

I want to read this book called 'How to be a porn star'.
Well don't get me wrong but it's about a girl who turned to porn and later how she became the head of a successful firm that produced blue films.
Sounds interesting to me and i liked the reviews i read on Amazon.

Now all i have to do is muster up enough courage to ask the bookshop people if they have this book OR i could simply order it on Amazon. :D

Rain,rain go away come again another day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When a kid I used to feel this rhymes a very odd one,cos as a child i used to love rain and never wanted rain to go away....buh now I'm not sure...

Its raining hard … its become so gloomy .. and gloomy means sleepy.

Rains are the best when u sit at home drinking tea watching your favourite movie or reading a nice book or simply lazing around.That’s what rains are for.

Rains make people feel lazy , they make ‘me’ lazy ; I wish I could just crawl under the covers and enjoy the rain falling against my window.

Then I would not have to walk ;read run , I’m always late for my bus to work ; dodging the puddles, jumping and hoping around like a 5 year old, i could also spend a rainy day at a multiplex watching movies back to back.

One of the things that makes rains special is the number of places one can visit; places that look pretty only when it rains.The mist,the fog, the waterfalls at every corner. Wonderfull.

Rains remind me of younger days,of duck boots, of wearing colorful rain coats covering everything from head to toe and still managing to get wet inside.I just cannot forget how crazy i was for umberallas,buh amma never used to give us one :( ...It also reminds me of long walks; of pakodas, chai and sinhagad.

How can i forget my song"Walking in the moonlight and thinking of u.......lalalalalalalalal....listening to the raindrops and thinking of you"....For some reason i had started loving rain ...now i really dont know..whether i love it or not....

Ooops !!! It's started pouring again, Excuse me while i go check the rains from the window with a cup of tea..............

Why do I Blog? :D

Actually this had to be my first blog..buh tats fine...now better then late.. :)

Having a blog has changed the way I think, the way I feel about bloggers who write up and down the page and strangers who write about themselves.

I was of the opinion that blogs are simply for writing, but reading more blogs has made me realize that it’s not just about writing, it’s about expressing. Expressing anger, fear, happiness, depression, it’s also about seeking support.

It’s about the excitement you feel when you see the first comment of your post(personal ones). It’s also about improving as a person, as a writer.

I generally have a lot of things in my mind to blog, but they are not usually the ones I post, I sit down to write something and I end up writing something else, something I did not intend to.

I blog it without re-reading it, if I did that, I would find it very difficult to blog. I read my very first post a lot of times, but that’s about it, never again.

I find my friends cheering up and feeling sad at times by reading my blogs, my space is just known to my friends..i dont write specifically on someone...and when write,they know about whom it is... :)

Finally I blog because it gives me pleasure, it gives me an emotional release, it gives a place to write down what I want to, rather whatever I want to..... :D

Our Bikini Hero In College.... :)

Today I would like to tell you about a guy I was in college with. Why?

Hell, even I don’t have the faintest of idea. I was going through my previous mails, mails from last one and a half year, and I read all his mails and I couldn't help laughing though I really really dislike him.

He was my senior and we always thought he used to like one of my friends. Well because he used to actually stare at her all the time. He even offered to give her the inside information about the backlog papers, I remember we teased her a lot about it. Little did I know that all this is going to come back to me.

We called him the 'Bikini Hero'. When we went to Goa for a college trip for 5 days, we went to a beach and there he was in a pink jockey.I mean, come on, which guy wears pink, baby pink with flowers on it. That’s when we prefixed the word Bikini to him.

I used to get anonymous mails from an email id called 'alwaysurs' with all stupid sentences like 'You look good in your red tee. You look good when you smile' and stuff. Equally sad. I knew it was him. He should have gone back to high school.

On the last day of the college he gave me a love letter. I guess he was nervous. He gave me a paper with a list of telephone numbers instead. He came back within 2 minutes and exchanged the paper. I don't know how i suppressed my laughter. He went away without saying a word.

After I finished college, his mails continued, some how he got my Office id and started mailing me there as well. Once I was so pissed off, I told him I’ll take police action if this doesn't stop.

Wanna guess his answer?
'I am so sorry, but I can’t help myself. I'll always wish the best for you. But I want to wish you on 3 special days. Your birthday, friendship day and Valentines Day.'
Why the hell should you wish me on Valentines Day. Anyways he kept the promise.
The last mail I received from him was on my Birthday (22nd apr).

And part of it goes like this
"How have u been? Hope every thing is fine at ur end.
Could you pls give me an alternate e-mail id where I can mail you.I would want to wish you on every birthday of yours till the end of my life.
Buh no way i could reply him...dont wanna b intouch with him...

" LOL. Whatever!!!
After writing so much i wonder how could i write about him in here.... :D

"People who don't know english should not try to blog”.

This is what i read recently on one of the blogs..
Who gives these people the right to decide who can blog and who cannot ?
Most of the people start a blog because they write well.
But there are some who are not very good at it,but still no one should stop them from expressing their opinions.
Let such snobbish people go to hell.
Let us keep on blogging whether we are good at it or not.
What is in your hands darlings is to comment or not to comment.
Let's keep it that way..... :)
I wrote this immediately after reading that statement.I didn’t post a comment then because I thought I was over reacting, but what the hell..

PreCious MoMents I Treasure.......

Falling In LOVE....
Laughing till my stomach hurts.....done it like hell.
Enjoying a ride down the country side.
Listening to my favorite song on the radio.
Going to sleep listening to the rain pouring outside.
Getting out of the shower and wrapping myself with a warm,fuzzy towel.
Passing final exams with good grades....has happen very few times :)
Being part of an interesting conversation.
Finding some money in my old jeans....tat really makes me happy...
Laughing at myself looking at the mirror.
Sharing a wonderful dinner with all my close buddies....
Laughing without a reason.
"Accidentally" hearing someone say something good about me.
Watching the sunset....makes me sad....prefer not looking at it....
Listening to a song that reminds me of an important person in your life.
Feeling this movement in my body when seeing this "special" someone.
Having a great time with my friends.
Visiting an old friend of mine and remembering great memories.
Teardrops rolling down my cheeks thinking of someone... :(
Hearing someone say "I LOVE YOU"

How Much Do I Remember?

Karaoke, lit fireplaces, burgers, music, movies, performing on a stage, books, candles ... even better diyas, smell of crackers, the way wet grass feels under my feet.

Cycling, walking, the tinkles of a wind chime, the sound of bangles, the first rain, wet mud, romance, first flower in spring, extra large burger with extra mayonnaise extra sauce, extra everything.

Fried chicken, corn, a glass of cold water on a hot hot afternoon, riding thru' my city on my bike, beaches, dancing all night, the way an old book smells, a genuine compliment, first salary, holding something you wanted for sooo long, roaming around with my best chidlhood friends.Being me.

There is a dialog in an Indian movie, "How many days do you remember in the 30 years that you have lived?Days like your first job, your first suit, your first salary, the first time you touched, the first time you kissed, the first time your heart skipped a beat.......20? 30? Where have the rest of the days gone? "

I tried to match up the special days of my life to the number, I couldn't, where have the rest of my days gone?Have I not done much worth remembering, worth savoring? worth writing?So I tried to match up with my favorite things, but alas, they don’t match up too.

I must have missed something; I must have missed a lot.

So I have an unwritten rule for myself from today. I am going to note down all the beautiful things I have seen, or all the moments that have made me smile, made me feel humbled. I want to match up, and make sure that after 10 years I don’t ask myself "where have all these years gone?"

How Much Do I Remember?