Reality Bites ;) !!!!!!!!

I have realised that blogging at times has been a way to forget the things going on in my life that i would rather forget.Rather than whinging and going on about some of those things. I pretend that everything is ok and come onto my blog, go to write and wibble on about something that makes me happy. Something - however small and silly it maybe- that helps me forget.And for those many minutes that i am writing and chatting. I know that actually everything is alright.

Sometimes i will chat about friends or food, or even think about minor things that are going on.

I sometimes wonder if you can see past the face i display on here and really know what is going on in my life. Really understand that actually this is such a small part of my life and i am a living and breathing person with hopes and fears and problems of my own that i hide even from my family.

Yesterday i spoke to my Friend. I hadnt spoken to her for 3 months. For a ‘close’ friends that is like 5 years. The fact of the matter is i havent spoken to many people in a very long time. Infact i havent spoken to anyone i am close to in a very very long time.Its not that i dont love them. Its I just havent been in a place i am able to do so. I have been selfish and taken time out for myself - for once.

I didnt think about the consequences. I didnt think about whether anyone would talk to me again. It was a decision that was taken out of my hands. I had to take time out. Time out for me. To sort myself out. And i hoped that my family and friends would understand.

As it happens, my friend did understand and she gave me the time i needed to sort myself out.And surprise surprise i even get calls from my Dad, saying if everything was alright. It wasnt but i didnt tell him that.

So i wonder - I wonder if friends, you know the people you confide in and talk to about almost everything will do the same.Realise that actually you have been a bit out of character but understand that you needed time to sort some things out. Whether they understand or not. Because lets face it - we dont always understand our friends problems right!. We havent all done the same things and experienced the same things have we? Where would the fun be in that?. Nothing to support or listen too other than the same things.

Anyway. I realised that i lost a friend along the way. She wasnt willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. She didnt wait to find out or understand. She didnt seem to care that i have had ‘issues’ that i needed to sort out or was stressed. That i pushed away everyone who knew me. Instead she decided to slag me off.

What else can i say?

I know you will be reading this thinking that maybe she is a bitch. Believe me i have thought the same. I have felt betrayed and disappointed. But it has got me no where.

Instead i have decided to forgive her. I am not responsible for how she behaves and i can not influence her decisions to be hard on me when she didnt understand. I can however forgive and move on.

I am not writing her and email or phoning or even dropping her a text. She knows who she is and i am sure she is reading this blog- as exciting as it is!.

So i just want you to know how i feel.I am not expecting you to stop slagging me off in your blog and i am not expecting you to not hold a grudge as i know you and know that you hold them for a very long time. I cant alter how you think or what you do. Only my own peace of mind.

It was never how you thought.