No Conclusion....

I apologise in advance that this is a little up in the air…

Aside from being one of four children in my family, i was always one of those child that seems to be alone. Preferring to have one close friend rather than a whole group, i tended to distance myself a little from the gangs of boys and girls.

In primary school i was bullied, little more than ‘we don’t want to play with you ’ or similar, it was hardly harrowing but at the time seemed all important.

My Mum suggested taking a small book into school with me. One that would fit in my blazer pocket and at break time when i was excluded by the other kids, i could sit and read my book. Perhaps she no longer understood the unspoken playground ettiquet that would mean that this marked me out for even further taunts but it always stuck with me.

Far from helping though, this tended to make me sad. Sitting there quietly watching all the others having fun, i was filled with sadness and a longing to have a good friend.

Maybe this is why i draw into myself when i’m having a tough time. Rather than seeking out and talking to people about it, or surrounding myself with friends, i will retreat into my world, effectively sitting in a quiet corner, alone with my little book.

Love and Bravery.....

My parents do everything they can to make us happy, including taking us out for diner, repair our flat at regular intervals (”Dad, what does this noise mean?”) and ask to cook my favourite food. In short I am an adored daughter.In few days my younger one will be one for them.She going back for good :( leaving me alone.

But as well as taking on practical tasks, they take on my worries and pains. They wince every time I wince with my back. They worry more than me about my career, lack of husband and so on.Sometime say so much,m pissed and sometimes dont say a word that annoys me too :D

And it got me to thinking - being a parent(wish i was), as well as being inordinately hard work, is also extremely brave. I am a bit of a commitment probe, partly through fear of losing someone close to me. Ignoring the good men and falling for the bad boys who’ll never really get close to me is a sort of insurance policy against pain.

But with parenting, you can’t take out an insurance policy. Parents feel our pain forever. And want to protect us. Even trying for a child, when you might lose it, strikes me as pretty damn brave.

So I am going to try to copy their example and be braver. Not to think about the consequences as much. Not to dismiss suitable people just because it might not work out and I might get my heart broken.

Flowers And Romance*

Is good, old fashioned romance dead?

How long has it been since you recieved a bunch of flowers for no reason? Or indeed bought some for your loved one?

A box of chocolates?

An unexpected call just to say ‘thinking of you’?

Just bothering to turn up on time?

Gentlemen - do you pick your date up? Do you at least offer to pay for the meal? See her safely home?

Ladies - do you make an effort? Do you put on your nicest outfit and do your hair?

In a time where it’s a novelty even to have a door held open for you, or a seat offered on the train, is it any wonder that the tiny lovely intricasies of romance are disappearing?

Wouldn’t it be nice to go for a moonlight stroll along a beach Or to go dancing, so close Or just to be swept off your feet and taken out somewhere surprising and wined and dined.

Or am i just old fashioned?

* i will just add that this isn’t a reflection on my own relationship!

Reality Bites ;) !!!!!!!!

I have realised that blogging at times has been a way to forget the things going on in my life that i would rather forget.Rather than whinging and going on about some of those things. I pretend that everything is ok and come onto my blog, go to write and wibble on about something that makes me happy. Something - however small and silly it maybe- that helps me forget.And for those many minutes that i am writing and chatting. I know that actually everything is alright.

Sometimes i will chat about friends or food, or even think about minor things that are going on.

I sometimes wonder if you can see past the face i display on here and really know what is going on in my life. Really understand that actually this is such a small part of my life and i am a living and breathing person with hopes and fears and problems of my own that i hide even from my family.

Yesterday i spoke to my Friend. I hadnt spoken to her for 3 months. For a ‘close’ friends that is like 5 years. The fact of the matter is i havent spoken to many people in a very long time. Infact i havent spoken to anyone i am close to in a very very long time.Its not that i dont love them. Its I just havent been in a place i am able to do so. I have been selfish and taken time out for myself - for once.

I didnt think about the consequences. I didnt think about whether anyone would talk to me again. It was a decision that was taken out of my hands. I had to take time out. Time out for me. To sort myself out. And i hoped that my family and friends would understand.

As it happens, my friend did understand and she gave me the time i needed to sort myself out.And surprise surprise i even get calls from my Dad, saying if everything was alright. It wasnt but i didnt tell him that.

So i wonder - I wonder if friends, you know the people you confide in and talk to about almost everything will do the same.Realise that actually you have been a bit out of character but understand that you needed time to sort some things out. Whether they understand or not. Because lets face it - we dont always understand our friends problems right!. We havent all done the same things and experienced the same things have we? Where would the fun be in that?. Nothing to support or listen too other than the same things.

Anyway. I realised that i lost a friend along the way. She wasnt willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. She didnt wait to find out or understand. She didnt seem to care that i have had ‘issues’ that i needed to sort out or was stressed. That i pushed away everyone who knew me. Instead she decided to slag me off.

What else can i say?

I know you will be reading this thinking that maybe she is a bitch. Believe me i have thought the same. I have felt betrayed and disappointed. But it has got me no where.

Instead i have decided to forgive her. I am not responsible for how she behaves and i can not influence her decisions to be hard on me when she didnt understand. I can however forgive and move on.

I am not writing her and email or phoning or even dropping her a text. She knows who she is and i am sure she is reading this blog- as exciting as it is!.

So i just want you to know how i feel.I am not expecting you to stop slagging me off in your blog and i am not expecting you to not hold a grudge as i know you and know that you hold them for a very long time. I cant alter how you think or what you do. Only my own peace of mind.

It was never how you thought.

White as Cotton & Red as Blood ….

I hate hospitals. The smell just makes me feel nervous.It is a recent problem I encountered during my visit back home. I was sitting at my bed earlier looking at the time ticking away until it was lunch. My tummy felt funny, like little butterflies that were beating the shit outta each other. I felt almost sick. My mate was over the road in the hospital having set off to operation room and i said that i would pop over to see her.(was collecting courage)

I went outside and hopped over the road only to feel my heart go all funny.

I started to panic. This was silly! I was only going over to see her. My legs felt all funny and i stopped. Right in the middle of the road on one of those triangles. My breathe, in and out so quickly making my mouth dry.I still wonder why this happens to me whenever I think of visiting a hospital.

I heard my name.
Was it in my head?
Was i trying to wake myself up and get out of the fear?.
It was my friend’s hubby.
He waved..
I walked…
One step at a time right!

Recently i have been having some small panic attacks.Happens when I see blood stains,inspite of red being my favourite color.They usually only last a few seconds but they are so scary. A few years ago i used to be on blockers to help my panic attacks as they were really bad. I used to wake up in the middle of the night with my heart going crazy, with palpitations and a strong sence of fear. I was surely at my calmest time sleeping but no. Panic attacks happen when you least expect them.

I hope that my weak side is going to see them off from coming back strong again. I really cant take more years of going through that again. Not wanting to go out incase it happened and people stare at me. Looking over my shoulder constantly for signs and not putting myself in stressful situations. Because lets face it, the world is a stressful place.

Ooooooooooooohhhhh that's annoying!!!!!

We all have our annoying habits. Perhaps to those who really love us, they are endearing. I rather hope so. Nevertheless, I’m astonished that at the time, none of these habits (each from different blokes, you may be glad to hear) wound me up.

Eating with mouth open.
Wiping the side in the kitchen every five minutes.
Dancing with mouth open.
Picking ones feet in front of the telly and leaving the bits on the coffee table.

I can only deduce that it must have been love. Especially given how intolerant I am.

Despite some of my initial misgivings about being surrounded by loved-upness when I am decidedly not, Of course I am delighted for my friend who’s found her Mr Right, but at my age (fast approaching 29), being a single girl at these things can be, well, tough.

But this friend lifted my spirits by telling me stories of dreadful things that her boyfriend had done when drunk. Awards go to:

The man who went to bed with a kebab in hand. The girlfriend woke up covered in it. She was a vegetarian.
The man who wet the bed. Twice.
The man who got out of the bed and then weed against the wall, all over her clothes.

Hurrah for being single!

But of course now I no longer have the rose-tinted spectacles of love, I have noticed these astonishingly annoying habits. Hanging out with friends who are exes certainly gives you a new perspective on things. And in some cases, can make you feel just a teensy-weensy bit smug.

Or is it just me?

Dangerous Thoughts.....

I think way too much. I over analyse, read into things and come to wildly inaccurate assumptions most of the time.

I take the smallest hint of something and dig right into it, thinking of the worst possible scenarios and outcomes.

This of course gets me into trouble sometimes. Often i have taken a word or action slightly out of context and managed to work myself into such a worry about it, that it is no longer a small molehill but a completey unscalable mountain that can’t possibly be overcome.

Then begins the questioning. Invariably it will have something to do with me of the time. As ludicrous as a shorter text message than usual, i will read into it that he/she no longer interested or that something awful is going on. ‘Are things ok?’ and ‘Have i done something wrong?’ or maybe ‘Don’t you like me anymore?’

Of course, there was nothing wrong apart from them being in a rush, or tired and overworked. But my niggling and digging does nothing to help the situation and often turns my imaginings into a row that needn’t have been had.

I’m far too emoitional and fragile in my belief of things and this is often how it is represented.

Where there was in fact no problem, there now lies a small gulf that becomes bigger with my runaway thoughts.